BIW Magazine For Women 40 & Over News October 15, 2015
We are now in October, a time of year where we highlight Domestic Violence Awareness.
This year this subject is even more potent and salient to me than ever before.
A very dear friend confided in me that her husband, a very esteemed and respected gentleman in the community, had been psychologically, emotionally and physically abusing her.
To say I was incredulous was putting it mildly. Not only was I hurt and upset at the indignities she had endured but I felt so powerless. We were good friends. Yet I had not known this. Not until it was over. Granted it only lasted 2 months but still. My friend told me she felt unable to share with anyone. Eventually she got help from women’s refuse and shelter organization.
I spoke to her today and asked her what would have helped her the most during the period of her abusive marriage. This is what she said.
“It would have been being told the warning signs that I was being emotionally and psychologically abused. E.g. Having clothes bought for me which led to being told what to wear. Being reassured that I wasn’t crazy to feel picked on by my abuser.
Receiving affirmation and empathy; being told how and where to find help; and then being believed by those that I’ve gone to seek help from.”
Well, with such a specific answer here is what I would like to share on today’s post. I hope it helps in a very real way that woman reading this who identifies with the situation.
Signs of Emotional and Psychological Abuse:-
1. Embarrassing you. Constant put-downs.
2. Refusing to talk to you – Ignoring or excluding you.
3. Having affairs with other people. Always denied of course. You’re being paranoid. Flirtatious behavior with opposite sex.
4. Unreasonable jealousy and extreme moodiness.
5. Domination and controlling behaviour. Making you doubt yourself and your decision making ability.
6. Guilt trips. Always blaming you and making everything your fault. They never ever take responsibility for their own behaviour.
7. Isolating you from friends and family.
8. Controlling the purse strings.
9. Always calling or messaging when you are not with them. Always wanting to know where you are and when you’ll be back.
Of course these aren’t the sum total but they will give you a good idea.
If you do recognise many of these elements as being part of the make up of your marriage or relationship then no, you’re not crazy nor unreasonable. You are being abused. If added to that there is violence or sexual coercion then you are dedinitely being abused. No, its not your fault. No, you are not to blame. No, you are not lucky to have this man in your life. Yes, somebody else will love you. You do deserve better. This does not have to be your life.
As you are online reading this article now you can Google Domestic Violence Helplines and be pointed in the right direction. They will believe you. You do not have to take it any longer. Call a friend who you know loves you and who will believe you and go along together. Most importantly love yourself enough to get out from a relationship that is breaking you down instead of building you up.
Your self-esteem can be rebuilt. Start off with these simple steps.
1. Daily Affirmations. After being put down and abused verbally it’s a good start to begin speaking life over yourself. To bless yourself. To look in the mirror and say ‘I am beautiful’; ‘I am lovable’; ‘I am special’; ‘I am worthy’; ‘I deserve good love’. Add your own. Put them on the bathroom mirror. In your bedroom. In your daily journal.
2. Actively love yourself by taking care of your body. Eat well and healthily. Take regular exercise. Go for walks and take time out to rest and relax. Simply breathe.
3. Rebuild your friendships. Especially if you were cut off from them. Reach out one at a time and enjoy the nurture of friendship and pleasure in simple things.
4. Use your gifts to help someone else.
5. Work with a coach.
Patricia Benjamin
Life and Relationship Coach
www.highlyfabulousconsulting.com
